Special Needs Adoption

by Patti Bertschler, LLPC

Parents, other children in the family, and even pets experience a range of emotions during the adjustment period following the adoption of a child. Excitement, worry, stress, anticipation, fear and jealousy often factor in. At the same time, the adopted child's emotions often run amok as they become anxious, excited, angry, hopeful, and over-stimulated. Families can plan on an average adjustment time of six months to a year, allowing for variables such as the age and background of the child, age of siblings, personality, and support system in place.

Managing this array of emotions involves solid preparation by organizing, researching, reading, building a support system, and, of course, prayers don't hurt! Did I mention patience?

Once the adoption is final and you bring your child home, you'll be busy learning about his disposition, likes and dislikes, food preferences, sleep patterns, emotional baggage (for older children), interests, and concerns. The child is busy learning about you: your commitment, your rules, values, parenting skills, house routines, and other family ties.

Whether conceiving or adopting a child, the love is the same say my friends, Gary and Mona Humble, who have both biological children and an adopted child with special needs. They offer the following insight:

w Know that you can love an adopted child as much and as unconditionally as any biological child.
w If you have other children already in the home, these children can also love the adopted brother or sister as much as each other.
w The adopted child brings as much joy and happiness as your other children.
w Research and become knowledgeable about services available for adoptive families.

In addition, the Humbles offer suggestions for adopting children with special needs:
w Know that every child, whether "typical" or special needs, deserves a loving, nurturing family.
w If adopting a handicapped child, learn to become an advocate; research, study, and be proactive with the various medical, educational and political systems to make sure your child is getting the services he needs.
w If you adopt a "medically fragile" child, remember that you are the parent. You call the shots. Do not be intimidated by the "white coats." They work for you, not the other way around. Research and speak their lingo.
w Don't be afraid that you can't handle a special needs or medically fragile child. God will always give you the strength when you need it.
w Teach your children that God gives different people different gifts. All have value and are capable of loving.

If you are considering adopting a child or have recently adopted, local single-mother Peggy Mascha who has adopted two Chinese babies, advises the following:
w Take as much time off work as possible to ensure adequate bonding time with the child.
w Don't bombard the child with visitors. Gradually introduce her to family a few people at a time.
w If you must leave the child at daycare, avoid places that have large programs. The child needs quiet and lots of one-on-one attention. Leaving an adopted child in a daycare may bring about feelings of abandonment.
w Assign responsibilities and chores (for older children). This makes them feel part of the family, reinforces structure in their day, and offers you a chance to give a compliment.
w For single parents especially, have backup support available to assist you. Two-parent households can rely on each other in decision-making, doctor visits, and just plain relief at times. Single parents need the same - a trusted friend, parent, or sibling who is willing to help.

Other practical tips come from a variety of sources including author Susan Ward (see her web site at hannahandhermama.com):
w Reduce sensory overload. Let the adopted child be bored for a few months to adjust to his new home and the new people in his life. There will be time enough to take him to parties, shopping and places of interest.
w Create structure and routine. Your child needs to know that every day certain things happen: mom sings to wake me up, we eat breakfast at 6:30 a.m., and every Friday we visit Grandma.
w Assume your child is younger than she is. If your child has missed any developmental stages since birth, playing "younger" games with her will allow her to catch up without the pressure of having to perform at a certain level.
w Re-Parent. Because you missed the infant bonding stages, spend a lot of time bonding with your child. Rock her, sing lullabies, read nursery rhymes, give her a bottle and baby food. Strange as this may sound, older children may need to pass through these stages that may have been missed especially if they came from a foreign orphanage or an abusive past.
w Assume your child has attachment issues. If your child has had multiple placements or disruptions in care giving for whatever reason, assume your child has some level of attachment or bonding issues. Read Daniel Hughes' book, Building the Bonds of Attachment, for background.
w Implement consequences for their actions. Children need to test their boundaries, and they do this in part by breaking rules, being irresponsible for chores, or misbehavior. Knowing the consequences for each and every behavior is necessary as they develop.
w Have fun. It's important to share moments of laughter, giggles, games, and quiet conversation. All children need to learn that life is a blending of the ridiculous and the sublime.
w Take time for you. Either we love being around our new child or he's so horrible we can't possibly leave him with a sitter. Remind yourself that you must take time for yourself to rest and be a good parent.
w Allow time. Some adjustments take up to a year; others last several years depending on the complexity of the child's background or personal issues. Be patient as your two worlds blend and mesh.

I salute all parents who adopt children who need the same things we all do: love, comfort, safety, and a place to call home.