Let Me Do That!

by Jill Miller Zimon

No matter what I do, I never seem to have enough — to do, that is. Oh sure, during the week, I rouse my kids, organize their lunches, make their breakfasts, pack their backpacks, write school notes, check that homework papers land in the right child’s trapper, nudge them to brush their teeth and wear the right clothes and, finally, trot out to the bus on time.

That’s only the first two hours of one day.

I know you’re thinking, "Jill, what about the dishes, the laundry, the rest of the house? What about car maintenance, bill paying and grocery shopping? Gift shopping and library runs and post office trips and volunteer work at your children’s schools and at your synagogue? What about your son’s bar mitzvah, visits from out-of-towners, planning birthday parties and play dates and vacations? Still, you want more?"

I say "yes." Enough "Oprah" (or, in my case, C-SPAN) and sleeves of Oreos. All mothers need to work harder.

With this mantra in mind, I’ve compiled a list of ideas to help the members of my household help me reach the mother’s nirvana of always having enough to do:

Clothes

Turn all pants, shirts or undergarments inside out before I harass you about putting them in the laundry. Then don’t put anything in the laundry. Leave everything on the floor, preferably piled in irregularly shaped mounds in different rooms. Rip socks off your feet so that they fling into corners, behind bookcases and under beds. Always keep them separate from one another.

If you feel as though you’re outgrowing anything? Don’t tell me until it’s about 60 seconds before the school bus arrives. This way, I can experience maximum guilt over why I hadn’t noticed that you were no longer my little boy or girl.

Garbage

Don’t throw away anything in a wastebasket. Ever. Deposit all tissues, wrappers, scratch paper, gum and other items you want to discard onto the floor. In addition to never having enough work to do, I never bend down or consume enough Advil.

Food

While I’m on the topic of consumption, eat everything outside the kitchen, preferably over the carpets. Take only snacks that leave crumbs small enough to attract ants or leave indeterminable odors. If you need a beverage when you eat, drink from the carton or bottle. Who needs to dirty another glass? If the liquid spills, just leave it. The mold and mites in the couch cushions could use the moisture.

Schoolwork

Never tell me that you need supplies for a special project until 8 p.m. the night before it’s due, even if you get the instructions weeks in advance. Why procrastinate when I know we won’t go out until the last minute?

Speaking of supplies, when you use the last piece of computer paper or you start to get that "black ink low" message? Just wait until I see it myself or the printer starts producing pages with nothing on them. We don’t have enough storage space for me to stock this stuff. Besides, I never remember where I put extras when I do buy them, so when we need them, I can’t find them.

Quick hits my family already employs to keep me hopping but that shouldn’t go unheralded:

Don’t flush toilets.

Don’t replace empty toilet paper spindles.

Don’t tell me when light bulbs blow or tissue boxes are empty.

Never clean your toothbrush after you use it, and always leave it with the bristle-side down on the counter so it dries and sticks to the surface.

Don’t take off muddy shoes inside the house.

Leave dishes wherever you finish eating, especially if there’s food left on them that can dry out and adhere to the plate.

When you come into the house with outer garments on, please peel them off and drop them like Hansel and Gretel dropped breadcrumbs, from the garage door, up the stairs and, of course, in your bedroom.

When you take food from the refrigerator, freezer or cabinets, please don’t tell me that we’re out or almost out. This same suggestion applies to plastic bags, tinfoil and anything else in short supply.

Trust me. If you follow these tips, "Oprah" will be cancelled because mothers have become so busy, and Ms. Winfrey herself will need this list just to find something to do.